15. Famous composer vs Radio Guy

Even though I’ve had several short term relationships and many boyfriends through my high school years, none of them were serious. Right away, I can tell that things with Finnley are different. I don’t know what love feels like, I have never been in love. Maybe this is it. I do like this guy, I like him a lot! I like him more than anyone else. I get butterflies before our dates, I want to look pretty, I want to be around him, and I want him around me. I actually don’t think kissing is gross anymore. 

I love dating Finnley. He doesn’t live in the college dorms but commutes to school daily and that is why I am back to my weekly trips home too. We meet in Presov and we meet in Kosice. He plays my favorite songs on the radio and I listen to all of his shows. We go out to see movies, to dinners, coffee, walks. I invite him to my prom and he accepts. I have a speech at our senior prom celebration and I can’t wait to show him off to everyone. We surpass the two month mark of dating, which is how long I give myself to like a boyfriend. We date for several months and he is the first guy I have been with this long. He is a boyfriend of many firsts. It makes him special.

It doesn’t take long before my father figures out who I am dating. What a great opportunity for an almost famous composer to get noticed and get his songs played on the radio. This is his chance, this is his moment. It’s the right time for my father to make his move. He has been waiting for the right person to get him through to the famous circles and onto the next level for a long time. Isn’t it amazing that the right person is his daughter’s boyfriend? Couldn’t be more convenient. The right way to do this is not to tell her though and talk to her boyfriend behind her back. 

I am clueless and don’t know what’s going on. My father doesn’t say a word and Finnley doesn’t say a word either. But my father goes to see him at the radio station every day. He always brings the recordings of his amazing music and then he stands at the studio door. He waits for Finnley before the shows and after the shows. He waits for Finnley even when Finnley is not there. He is persistent. He doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer and he comes back the next day. And the next. We all know that to become a famous composer requires a lot of work and time.  He is repeatedly asked to leave but that doesn’t matter. He doesn’t listen to such negative words. Hearing a stern “LEAVE” obviously means to “STAY” and bother everyone around even more. Being persistent is a good quality to have!

It is a nice day and Finnley takes me to an underground restaurant for dinner. It is a beautiful place and so romantic. I feel giddy and happy to be with him but I am also still very shy. I get a little nervous around him, partly due to my personality and partly due to my sheltered childhood. Sometimes I am shy around him because I like him so much and don’t want to mess things up. Opening up to people is not easy for me. 

Finnley looks very serious though and his energy today makes me turn inward even more.

“Uhm, so Jarka, I met your father recently,” he coughs and looks uncomfortable.

My heart stops beating, I may faint. This is not happening.

“M-hm,” is all I manage to say. I didn’t tell Finnley about my father. I only shared with him that my mother left him once but we are back with him now. We may try to move again in the near future.

I am sitting there silently as our food arrives. I can’t eat. I don’t know what’s coming.

“Jarka, what’s going on with your father?” he asks but doesn’t let me respond. I am glad because my throat has a lump in it now and I don’t think I can talk. 

“Your father comes to the radio station every day and I can’t get rid of him. He waits for me and he is like a leech! Like a stalker!” Finnley doesn’t sound happy at all.

I am fighting tears but he continues. “He keeps saying he is going to be famous and works with all these famous people and he gave me his CD. I listened to it and it’s not good at all! This is not something we can play on the radio. Did you know about this?”

I shake my head and look down at my plate, my eyes blurry as I am pushing my food around the plate with my fork.

“Tell him to leave me alone. This is horrible. What’s wrong with him?” 

Finnley starts eating his dinner.

I know where this is headed so I try to save my waterworks for later and remain strong for now. I am sure there will be time for tears after I get out of this place.

I take a breath and explain, “He is mentally ill. He has p……s…..”

Finnley sighs and nods, “I thought so, I figured it’s something like that.”

Several minutes of silence pass between us. Finnley is eating and I don’t know what else I can say to make things better. I am not eating dinner tonight, I feel queasy. 

Finnley interrupts all this tension in the air and says,

“You know, I think we need to break this off. I don’t think it’s going to work. You are a great girl, a great person. I like you a lot and actually I could see things working with us but…,” he pauses and looks at me, a genuine feeling in his eyes. “But I just…..I just don’t know. Is it genetic? What if we have kids and they will have it. Or what if YOU have it in the future?”

Here it is, my intuition was right. The elephant in the room is out and in plain sight and about to crush me. Finnley is breaking up with me. My throat is constricted again. I want to say something, I want to scream, I want to shake him, I want to run, but I want to stay too. Instead, I am fighting my tears, blinking them away, trying to think of something to reverse and rewind today, this week, this month. I should have known. I should have known that a famous radio boyfriend and a wannabe composer father won’t mix. Why was I so naive? I could have prevented this somehow….surely??

“You are not saying anything and I don’t know what to think, Jarka. I am so sorry.” Finnley says with sadness in his beautiful voice.

This is the last time I see him. I leave the restaurant and slowly walk through the crowded streets. I can’t blame him, it wouldn’t be fair.  I may have done the same thing if the roles were reversed, I don’t know. I don’t fight my tears anymore, I let them freely run down my face. There are blurry people walking all around me, bumping into me, and I don’t care. My first real relationship is ruined. Ruined by my father. Ruined by his mental illness. How far do I have to run to escape the scary claws of my father’s mind?