60. (Which) Mr & Mrs

I have lived with the Woodys for a while now. They are kind people and they seem to be ok with my constant presence. However, I still yearn for independence. I am an adult and I need to take care of myself. I am so done depending on others for everything. I do have my library job and I add another job as a dining hall dishwasher to my resume. It’s still on campus and I am still making just the minimum wage. But by combining both of my jobs, I work around 30 hours per week and I finally have some money. In fact, I have enough to start thinking about getting my own place. Yes, I am going to rent an apartment. There are apartments within walking distance from campus and I decide to go in and apply. Surprisingly, since I have a SSN now, I am able to rent a 1 bedroom apartment for $350 per month. Yes, yes, yes, I can do this! 

I live in town, near campus, and I am loving it. I am at the end of my sophomore year and I am 23 years old. I am still dating John although we have been through a few rough patches together. I still think about what my mother said to me and I start to realize that she may be right. John is probably not serious about me and I need to figure out my future. I meet with Benjamin pretty often now. I still need his assistance with the immigration requirements as an international student, but there are also times I get to see him for no reason. Just as a friend. We get to know each other pretty well and I can tell he probably doesn’t have a very high opinion about John. He suspects my hesitation while I am trying to decide what to do about my relationship. It’s not that I don’t want to be with John. The question is if John wants to be with me. I cannot figure him out because he is continuously giving me mixed signals. There are a few other guys interested in dating me and they are trying to convince me that John is not the one for me. But for now, I am patiently waiting. I am not sure what I am waiting for. I must really love him. I am hoping one day he will tell me he loves me too. 

I do like Ben. But I would never tell him this. Ever. The fact that he is a NGCSU employee and that he is nearly 10 years older than me, are two of the discriminating factors. I must learn from my past mistakes. I don’t need trouble. I don’t need to get tangled up with an older man. I just don’t. But I still go see Ben’s house when he asks me to come over and I say yes when he invites me to see the Nutcracker show with him before Christmas. His house is beautiful. It’s on the river and it’s pretty large. I love Georgia woods, not the creepy kind I experienced with Silvia. The beautiful, nature kind, the breathtaking woods of Georgia. The air is fresh and the sound of water is soothing. Ben likes to kayak and he tells me all about it. I wish I could live in a house like this one day. I daydream about my future. One day. One day, I will have a house and family. I know it. I feel it in my bones. I still don’t say anything about my dreams to John or Ben. Thinking about it, a serious relationship or a life with either of them may be out of the question. 

But then….John moves in with me. He helps me with rent, he helps with bills, and he helps with groceries. Maybe he missed me? I take him in and I am excited. Does it mean he is more serious about me? I still don’t know because he still dismisses any talk about serious relationships, I love yous, or displays of affection. Everyone knows we are together, but he does not acknowledge it publicly. Oh well. 

9/11 happens and things shift. It does things to people, it changes us. John and I included. 

It’s one of our routine days of school and work. John gets home in the evening, changes into his pjs and brushes his teeth. I am sitting on the couch, watching TV. I hear the water running in the bathroom….then John’s voice. 

“Hey…..how about we get married?”

Wait. What did he just say? Did I hear it correctly? I am quiet because I don’t want to jinx the moment and send the vibes away.

“Let’s get married,” I hear again from the bathroom.

“Are you serious? You want to get married?” I stumble up onto my feet.

“Yea, why not?” he says casually.

“W-when?” Am I dreaming?

“Like now? Soon? I don’t see why we should wait.”

“Uh-huh, ok.” I answer, shocked.

“But…listen. I don’t want a wedding. I don’t like charades like that. How about we go to the court house and just get married there?”

“Oh…..ok.” I am a little disappointed but don’t show it. It doesn’t matter anyway. My parents, my friends, no one from Slovakia would be able to attend my wedding anyway. I suppose I don’t need a wedding. But this means I am not getting a proposal either. No ring, of course. Do I need one? Probably not. Oh, how about a wedding dress? No wedding dress? This one stings. I ponder it for a second but quickly decide that I can live without it. Sigh.

So this….this informal question I hear from the bathroom must be the way we are doing things. Whatever I call it, he still came up with the idea himself. I am shocked and stunned that he actually brought it up. On his own. I understand that John is a special kind of human and I either have to take him or leave him, yes, I understand the concept. With John, it’s “you get what you get”. He will not change. And I have to be ok with that. I think I am, and I think I decide to take him. I can see myself being married to him. 

John knows about my father and his mental illness too and it doesn’t seem to bother him either. He doesn’t think I will become crazy one day and that our kids will inherit it. He is taking my baggage into his life too, after all. 

When the news sinks in, I start working on our court appointment, our blood tests, and marriage license. I do it all on my own, before John changes his mind. I call my mother and tell her. 

“Mom! See, I told you! He does want to marry me! We are getting married in 3 weeks!”

She is happy for me, I can feel it.

I tell one of my international friends about it and I also tell Ben.

“I don’t think that’s the right decision, Jarka. I have a feeling that one day, you will end up divorced, with 3 kids. Do you want that?”

I dismiss his opinion in my elated state. But Ben asks me to meet him again in a couple of days. He wants to take a walk around campus in the evening, after all classes end. I agree and meet him on a beautiful and unseasonably warm night. We are walking around campus and I am chattering, telling him all about my court wedding preparations. John doesn’t believe in engagement rings or rings in general. He says that one day he will carve me a ring out of wood. But I can’t wait that long so I purchase a $5 ring for me and another cheap ring for him, just so we have something for our little ceremony. 

Ben is shaking his head as he is listening to me. He seems to be more quiet tonight. He appears to be thinking about something, he is deep in thought.

We sit down on a bench next to a large tree. 

“Jarka. So how about this? What if I marry you?” He blurts out, looking straight at me.

Wait….wait…I am confused. I am silent.

“You don’t have to marry John. You can marry me.” He continues.

“Are you serious?” He must be joking. Right? He surely is joking, I don’t see any other explanation. There is no way that Ben would want to marry me. I am trying to steady my suddenly erratic thoughts and breathe. Several breaths, in and out, in and out.

“Yes, I am completely serious. It would help you with your immigration status. You can get a green card and eventually your citizenship too. I am willing to help you out. It would be my honor to help you.”

I like Ben! I like him a lot. But I am set on marrying John now. What do I do? What in the world do I do now?

“L-let me think about it, ok?” is all I manage. I need help. I need to tell someone. Like right now. Asap. “I think I need to go. I will let you know, ok?”

We say our goodbyes for now and the first thing I do, I run to see my friend. She knows me and she knows John. 

“Oh my gosh, Jarka!! Whaaaat?”

“Who should I marry?” I ask her urgently.

“Uhm, well, I can’t tell you what to do. But my opinion is that you marry John. You’ve been together for a while now. You do know Ben too but not like John. Let’s go talk to my counselor. She will have a good advice for you.” 

There is another student counselor on campus and just like Ben, she knows all about each one of us, international students. She is a smart woman and I value her opinion.

“Who should I marry? Should I marry Ben or John?” I ask her.

She is looking at me quietly for a little while and then says.

“The fact, Jarka, that you are asking me this question means that you should not marry either of them.” She tells me. I thank her and leave. This was not helpful at all. I need to call my mother. Right now. She will know.

“Mom, who should I marry? Please help! Talk me through it all.” I ask her.

She is laughing on the other end of the line, on the other side of the world.

“I can’t believe this. What a situation,” she is in disbelief too. 

“Ok. Ok. Fine. This is what I think. You should marry Benjamin. He is a mature man. He will take care of you. You will have a good life.”

Wow, now I am more confused than ever. Deep breath. Ok. This is my life. And for once I am in control of it. I am the boss. I have to listen to my intuition. I have to listen to my heart. And I have to decide who I am going to marry, for goodness sake.

January 15, 2002

It’s a windy January day. I just turned 24 years old last week. John is 20 days shy of turning 23. We go to our classes in the morning. And then we meet at our apartment for lunch. We have an appointment at the court house at 1pm. John’s parents are meeting us there. My friend too. I am not sure what to wear. It’s not a real wedding but it is still a wedding. I opt for gray pants and a red blouse. I try my hardest to block it out of my head that I will never get to pick and wear a wedding dress. 

It is colder than I thought. But it is sunny and pretty warm in the sun. The judge asks us if we would like to be married outside. We agree. But I am shivering in the wind. It’s ok. It will only take a few minutes.

“With this ring, I thee wed,” John says and puts the $5 ring on my finger.

“With this ring, I thee wed,” I say, my teeth chattering when I put his cheap ring on his finger.

“I love you,” John mouths quietly.

“I love you too,” I respond back. I can’t believe he said it. He loves me. And that’s all that matters to me at this moment.

We walk out of the court house holding hands. We are heading back to our afternoon classes. 

Mr and Mrs. Woody.