28. Already? Finally!

It is the final week before my departure. Everything is happening fast. I start packing, throwing things into my suitcase. I end up packing and repacking three times. What do I need to bring to the US? I am packing for a year but I am allowed to bring only one suitcase and one backpack. I guess it’s cold in New Jersey so I need a coat, sweater, jeans. I pick up some piano books and go through them. Do I need them? No, I don’t! I won’t be playing the piano anymore. The piano is over. I think of my father. I haven’t seen him in several months. He doesn’t know what my plans are. I toss the music books on the floor, then a few minutes later, I pick them back up and put a few of them in my suitcase. Chopin, Mozart, Beethoven. Sigh. Just in case. 

At night, I lay down in the darkness, thinking of the big world across the ocean. I can’t sleep. I cannot fully comprehend the distance that will be separating me from my family. Honestly, I do not fully comprehend the magnitude of my decision to leave at all. I will miss my mother, my brother, Joseph. I do know that.

My mother has been crying for days, on and off. She tries to hide it but I see it. She puts a brave face on when she talks to me. For the past few weeks, I encounter people who don’t believe that I am capable of leaving Slovakia on my own. I encounter people that try to convince me to stay. There are a few that laugh at me and some that dismiss me. I wish that there was someone, at least one person, that would tell me that I am strong, capable, and I can do this. Someone to believe in me. But there is no one so I have to be that voice for myself. I try to convince myself that I am no wimp, I am no chicken. I will learn English, watch me! I have to trust myself, my intuition, my common sense, my capabilities. I have to. I still can’t sleep.  There are so  many feelings of excitement, anxiety, sadness, and anticipation in my head; they are keeping me awake. In the back of my mind, I am a scared little girl, with a shaky scared voice that is also doubting me. Should I change my mind? Should I stay? 

No! I can’t. I have to go. I am going. I can’t believe this is already happening. Oh, finally! I am finally going to be the boss of my life, far away from here.

*************

“Jarka, sweetie, when will I see you again?” I am visiting my grumpy grandma and my grandpa too. It is the last visit before I leave for America. My grandma is not grumpy today. She is sad. She is crying, wiping her eyes with her wrinkly, small hand. I give her a hug and try to console her. 

“Don’t worry, grandma, I will be back in a year! It’s only a year-long program.” I am not sure if I believe what I am saying.

“Are you sure, baby girl? We may be gone any time, your grandpa and I are old, you never know what may happen. We may never see you again!” A new wave of tears overtakes her. I feel responsible for her sorrow and I don’t know how to fix it.

“Please, grandma, don’t think this way. We will see each other in a year. I promise!” I just gave a promise I may not be able to keep.

I walk into a room in the back of the apartment. My grandpa is bedridden. He had his leg amputated recently due to thrombosis. He also lost his hearing during World War 2.

“Hi grandpa,” I say as loudly as I can. I sit down in his bed right next to him. He reads my lips and smiles at me. My grandpa is an amazing human being. He once was a strong, handsome man with a good heart. He is now reduced to a life of immobility, however, his good heart remains. You can see the love in his eyes. I fight tears from breaking into my eyes.

“Grandpa, I came to say goodbye. I will be leaving for America in a few days.

“America,” he repeats with a scratchy voice.

I nod. Both my grandma and grandpa had plans to leave for America before they met each other. It was before the war broke out and disrupted each of their individual plans. If any of their plans came true, they would have never met, and I wouldn’t be here. I am the one going to America now. I am realizing their dreams decades later. I know this is what my grandpa is thinking as he is looking at me with his beautiful dark blue eyes. Sad eyes. I lean over and give him a hug.

“Please, take care of yourself, grandpa. Don’t drive grandma crazy, ok?” I chuckle and he nods.

I get up and hug him again. I can’t take this anymore, I have to leave before I lose my composure.

“Bye grandpa, bye grandma,” I say through tears. I wave at both of them and then start walking away. It takes everything inside of me not to turn around and run back to them. I feel their eyes following me as I am leaving. I feel their eyes on my back. I may never see them again. And I hate myself for this.

The time is almost here. My life is about to change. It is what I wanted. And I still do. How do I feel before I jump off a cliff, and soar and fly high? And how do I feel if I jump off a cliff, and then crash and burn? I don’t know which scenario is awaiting me. I feel blank. My new outlook, my new attitude of blankless emotion replaces the fear and anxiety, and even all the excitement I had been previously feeling. It is a new state of thinking. A state of survival. Starting today and for the next year, it is this new state of survival mindset that I must focus on.