34. All is still, all is calm

It is the week before Christmas. Alice’s last week with the family. She has slowly started to pack her room up but she still has time to show me how to take care of the children. She doesn’t let me drive anymore so I try to remember directions to Dave’s preschool and children’s activities as much as I can. At the end of the week, I move into the room in the basement as Alice says her goodbyes. The whole family is crying. They all love her. I have tears as well. In a short time, I got used to Alice’s sweet nature, her good heart, her willingness to help, and her kindness.  Now I am on my own.

It is Christmas. Another Christmas away from home. Last year I was with the Indian family in England and this year, I am spending Christmas in America. This huge house feels even bigger when it’s full of people. Family and friends. They are opening presents, talking, laughing, they are being noisy, immersed in their Christmas joy together. No one is paying attention to me. They don’t know me and I don’t know them. I retreat to a corner and quietly observe the happy commotion right in front of me. I think I may be invisible. But after a while, little Dave comes up to me with a little package. It’s a present for me. I open it up by myself, in my lonely corner. It’s a box of hand soap. It smells nice. I set it next to me and little Dave runs off. Last weekend I had no one to practice my English with when the house was empty, and today, I have no one to practice my English with, when the house is full of people. It is loud around me and very overwhelming so I take my soap and decide to go down to the basement. I go to my room to study more English. They will not notice if I am gone anyway. 

All the people finally leave and Julie comes down to the basement. 

“Jarka! Can I talk to you for a minute?” She yells from the stairs.

I walk out of my room and we sit down on the couch in the playroom.

“Are you having fun?” she smiles

I nod. 

“Good. I was thinking that perhaps you could take a week off next week. We will not need you. Kids are not in school right now. You are supposed to get two weeks of vacation during the year and I thought you could take the first week right now. You could go see your boyfriend or you could go see a friend, you can do whatever you like. Since we don’t need you, you know.” She is still smiling. 

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Peter drives all the way from Georgia to pick me up in New Jersey. I have a few days to myself while I wait for him to arrive so I go see Mark in Rhode Island. He takes me all around the place and even to the beach. It’s freezing, windy, and snowing. But I don’t care, I enjoy him so much. His host family is amazing, very inviting, and friendly. The two boys he takes care of love him and are always all over him. I spend the entire weekend with them, eat meals with them, and I feel at home. They include me with their family and talk to me, even though I am still very hesitant and unsure of my English knowledge. I realize that learning English comes in this order of proficiency: First, reading is the most comfortable way to understand the language. You can take your time and you see the words in front of you. Second, listening to the foreign language is a little bit more difficult but doable. You may not understand all the words but your brain fills in the blanks and gets the overall idea of what you are listening to. Now, speaking is on a whole another level. You may understand what a person is telling you but you can’t respond. That gives the other person a wrong impression that you don’t know the language. Naturally, being able to speak is my biggest challenge. The entire process of translating constantly from one language to another in a conversation is time consuming and tiring. Exhausting. It makes you doubt yourself and your intelligence at times. It’s just easier to be silent and observe. Maybe one day. One day I will speak English and will laugh at my inability to do so right now at this moment. 

After visiting Mark, I also try to see Claudia as much as possible. The first time I drive to her house, I get lost and take the wrong exit. The second time, I do the same. I am really not good with driving directions. But Claudia and I become close friends and her host family is also very nice to me. Claudia takes care of babies which means she doesn’t have to drive around like me. She is very busy staying home with them. I like coming over and helping her. 

It’s finally time for Peter to pick me up and take me to Georgia. We have 5 days together but we will spend about 4 of those days on the road. It takes about 14 hours each way so we split the drive into 2 days. I don’t mind. I want to spend time with Peter, that’s all. His presence brings a sense of home even though we are as far from home as we possibly can be. I love telling him all about my experiences so far and I express my concerns to him. About food, driving, and English. 

“You will be fine. You will get used to it all. I believe in you. I know you can do it.” He smiles at me and his smile reassures me. Maybe he is right and maybe I will be ok. I hate it that I will have to be away from him for a year. I don’t let my resentful thoughts of him pursuing his life on his own and leaving me behind, overtake me. I keep looking out the window. I am watching all the cars on the highway pass us and I get glimpses of the people in their vehicles. They are Americans and I am sure they know how to speak English without even thinking about it. I want to trade places with any of them. I want to fit in and be like them. I want to be a plain Jane and not some Slovakian girl that doesn’t know how to speak their language. 

In Georgia, I get to meet Tim and Silvia, who are very sweet to me. Silvia likes to chuckle and giggle a lot and in a way she reminds me of Julie and her exaggerated speaking expressions. Maybe all American women are like this? I can tell that Tim likes me as well and the entire visit is very pleasant. I hope I get to see them again soon. Unfortunately, I have to return to New Jersey because I start my job as an au pair in two days. For real, this time.