36. Such a fool

I am very careful. I don’t use the computer or the phone in the house any more. I don’t go anywhere but to preschool with little Dave. I also take the girls to their afterschool activities. I do see Claudia as well but not as often as I used to. I keep studying English, reading, watching TV, and speaking it, mostly to myself, as much as I can. English may finally be sticking to my brain cells a little, even though I may still have difficult times in certain situations. I am determined to be on my best behavior and hoping for Julie to like me. I know that Dave and the kids do. The girls like to talk to me. They tell me all about school and their friends. Their brother, little Dave, is like a little monkey. He likes to hang on me and beg me to stay an extra few minutes every time I drop him off at preschool. He wants me to watch him through the glass as he is playing with friends. I always wait until he looks up at me from his play to wave at me. It is his clue that he is ok, settled, and now I can leave. I love it. I love seeing his big blue eyes searching for me and I love his smile when he sees me. A smile that he only shares with me. 

There are several parents dropping their kids off around the same time as I drop off little Dave. There are two little brothers, around 2 and 4 years old, that get dropped off every day by their father. I see him every morning. He is tall, lanky, and handsome.  We nod at each other every time our paths cross. After a while, he smiles or winks at me when he sees me. A few days later, he says “Good morning” to me. I say it back and smile as well. Soon, I start to wonder in anticipation if he is going to be there in the morning again, dropping his kids off. And yes, he is there. Every day, just like me. This guy is very good looking and I am not going to lie, I like him a lot. But I am not courageous enough to approach him so I don’t. There is no reason for it anyway.

One day, as I stand behind a glass, watching little Dave and waiting for him to wave at me, I feel someone’s presence right behind me. I spin around and there he is. I say “hi,” blush, and turn back. “What’s your name?” I hear his voice. It’s a very pleasant voice, I admit. I step back so he can talk to me and doesn’t have to stare at my back anymore. 

“I am Jarka. Dave’s au pair.” I point at little Dave who now finally waves. I start to leave but the cute man joins me.

“I will walk you to your car. I am Clark.” He smiles and shakes my hand. “My two boys go here too.”

Clark and I talk to each other every morning now. It’s just pleasantries and smiles. Little by little we tell each other more about our respective lives. I tell him about my country and about Peter, and he talks about his job and his boys. Clark is 40 years old. I tell him I am 21. He is a very calm person and I can sense that he is very intelligent. He has this peaceful energy around him, even though his eyes seem sad. My intuition tells me he is a good person but I suspect that perhaps something may be troubling him. He doesn’t talk about his wife, even though he wears a ring on his left hand finger.

Several weeks go by and I develop butterflies in my stomach in anticipation of seeing him. I ignore them and see them as an annoyance. He is nearly 20 years older than me, he is married, and he has two small children. But I can tell he feels the same way about me. Doesn’t matter. I don’t intend to do anything about it. 

“Jarka, I want to show you a beautiful place. I don’t have to be at work until later today. Are you busy?” He asks me one day. “You could just follow me. It’s not far, it’s a park a few minutes away.” His eyes are pleading and despite my better judgment, I agree. 

“Ok, I will follow you.”

It’s the end of winter, the end of February. Maybe it will start warming up in March but for right now it’s still pretty cold. We arrive at the park and we take a walk. It’s a beautiful place, full of trees. There is even a tiny creek and across from it, there is a cozy white gazebo. Clark jumps over a small stream of water trickling by, then turns around and offers his hand to help me do the same. I take his hand and jump over the skinny creek too. But Clark doesn’t let go. He keeps holding my hand. His big warm hand is now covering my skinny freezing little hand and it feels so nice. I am surprised how much his touch comforts me. Even though I should, I don’t pull away. It’s surreal, I don’t know what is happening. We get to the gazebo which has a beautiful view. 

“Look at this,” Clark motions at the nature around us. “I love it. It’s gorgeous and I just wanted to show you,”

“It’s beautiful,” I agree. But I shiver because I am freezing. It’s so cold. 

“Come here,” Clark says gently and pulls me closer to him. He wraps his hands around me and squeezes me into a close hug. All the red flags go off inside my brain but I push them away. This hug feels so good. There is something protective, safe, and comforting about it. I can’t push Clark away even though all of this feels so wrong. He puts his chin on top of my head and then kisses my hair. He slowly breaks our hug but stays close. He touches my chin with his warm hand and tilts it up until our eyes meet. I know I should turn around and leave right now. But I don’t move. I must be paralyzed. His eyes, his face, his demeanor keep pulling me to him instead of away from him. There is something so reassuring about him and I draw from this energy. All of my worries float away when he is holding me. This man is so mysterious. In a good way. What is it really that attracts me to him so much? I don’t understand myself. I become unpredictable in my own eyes and all I can do is to observe my actions as if I was outside of my body, someone else. This is not me, but it is me too. This moment is beautiful and I am not strong enough to break away. 

“Your eyes are so deep, so very deep. Beautiful. I want to get lost in them” He whispers. His hand touches my face again and he runs his fingers down my cheek. My breath nearly stops but my heart is beating fast. It wants to jump out of my chest. 

“You are a beautiful person. I can’t resist these eyes…..and…you. I have wanted to kiss you from the very first moment I saw you” Clark’s eyes won’t let go of me and I keep his gaze. I don’t understand how someone like him would be attracted to me. Me, this young girl from Slovakia, who barely speaks English. Why would someone even like my eyes? 

There is no time to think about this anymore because Clark lowers his face to mine and kisses me. The universe spins around me, the cold New Jersey air mixing with the flutters of my butterflies, guilt, desire…. I am too vulnerable. I am so lost. I am so lonely. I can’t say no to his kisses. I don’t want to say no. 

I am floating up  in the clouds for the rest of the day. I go through the motions of completing all of my responsibilities and then go see Claudia as fast as I can in the evening. I have to tell someone. I can’t keep this secret inside. My park encounter was so nice. But the guilt is eating me from the inside. What have I done?

Claudia finishes her chores for the evening and we both settle down in her bedroom. I sit on the couch and she is in a chair across from me. 

“I have to tell you something." If I say quickly and then I recount the events of the day to her. I know I am blushing. But I tell her all, I tell her everything. About the kiss. About the attraction. About the butterflies. And then about the guilt. And the red flags.

“Claudia, I don’t know what to do! He is married. And…ohh my gosh, Peter!”  How could I forget about Peter? A new wave of guilt overtakes me. Peter doesn’t deserve this. I have to stop this foolishness. I am a fool. Such a fool!!!

Claudia is watching my turmoil without saying a word. I do see a spark of understanding on her face. She is not judging me because she is a great friend. Friends support each other no matter what. She’s been here for me through my entire American journey so far. She knows my inner thoughts, she knows my faults, my weaknesses. And now she learned about my biggest mistake of all. 

When she finally speaks, she confirms what I already know. 

“Your behavior is very foolish. It’s not right. Jarka, you need to be careful. Does Julie know about him?” She asks cautiously. 

I shake my head. “No, she doesn’t. Do you think she’d be angry? She will probably be ok.”

“Are you sure?” Claudia is doubting my words as much as I am.  

“The thing is that he is married. No matter how unhappy he may be in his marriage, this is not right. Maybe he is going through a midlife crisis. He is 20 years older than you! I think you need to tell him that you can’t meet with him anymore. You can just ignore him when you drop Dave off or try to go at a different time.” 

Claudia is concerned about me. I know this. She is genuine in her relationship with me and I trust her. Of course, I know that what she is saying is true. I cannot let things with Clark develop any further. I need to put a stop to it. It’s for the best. It’s just best for everyone. Ahhh, but I don’t like this conflict between my brain and my heart. I don’t want these two to fight within me.

Ok, ok, ok! I will talk to him tomorrow. I will talk to him because I need to wake up. Wake up from this dream of infatuation. As much as I would like to give in to this temptation, I have to stay rational. I have to do the right thing no matter how difficult it is.