37. YOOOU!!!

I know I shouldn’t see Clark anymore. I don’t know how to approach him about it just yet so I need to figure out what would be the best way to avoid him instead. I cannot drop Dave off at preschool at an earlier time because I have to wait for the school bus to pick up Kate and Lucy first. I can take him a few minutes later than usual but not so late that I will miss the drop off window completely. In the end, I decide to leave 10 minutes later in the morning and I hope that Clark will already be gone. Yes, I need to talk to him but for now, avoidance is probably the best way for me to deal with this situation.

Little Dave and I arrive at preschool, and oh, bummer, of course there is Clark’s car still parked in front of the building. Deep breath. Ok, I have to go in. I say bye to little Dave as he runs ahead of me to greet his little friends. Clark is standing by the glass window watching the kids play and he seems to be deep in thought. I am standing a few steps behind him and I hope he won’t see me. Little Dave waves at me which is a sign I can leave. I quietly turn around and start to walk away. 

“Jarka!” I hear Clark’s voice behind me. “Wait!”

I stop and look at him. “I have to go home. I am so sorry.” 

I don’t want to but I start walking away, practically running to my car. I get in and quickly drive off. I hate this!

I get home and still can’t get Clark out of my mind. I wasn’t nice to him. He is probably confused. I need to talk to him and explain why we shouldn’t see each other. I am inside for a few minutes when the doorbell rings. It makes me jump because people usually don’t come to the front door at this house. The family always comes in through the garage. I slowly creep up to the front door and look through the peep hole. My pulse immediately quickens, an involuntary reaction that happens when I see Clark. I open the door and he steps in. Oh no, no, no! He cannot be here! The alarms and red flags are back inside my head. I am uncomfortable. I have to get him out of here. Now.

“Clark,” I say in panic. “You can’t be here!” I grab him by his sleeve and start to pull him back to the door.

“Jarka, I just want to talk to you.” He pleads with me.

I need to talk to him too but not right now. I am too scared for him to be here, even for another short second. What if Dave or Julie come home? In the past, Dave has come home in the middle of the day when he was feeling sick. I cannot risk this. 

“You have to leave. We can talk another time. Ok? Please?” I am so unsettled. I am sure Clark sees my discomfort too because he reluctantly says “How about I see you at Starbucks this evening? 6 pm? Please?”

Ok. I can do that. I am taking Kate to her math tutoring class this evening and it starts at 6 pm. It’s right by the Starbucks store.

“Yes, I will see you at Starbucks at 6,” I promise. He finally leaves and I breathe a sigh of relief. If Julie or Dave found him here with me, I’d be gone in a minute, I am sure of that. 

It’s time for Kate’s math tutoring and even though she is the only one taking the lessons, I have to bring all three kids along. It’s a 25 minute drive and we are supposed to meet Julie at the learning center so I can hand the other two kids off to her. Lucy and little Dave are ready and sitting in the car already, but we are still waiting for Kate to come out. I go back inside the house, “Kate! Come on, it’s time to go!” I call her from the door.

“I am not going!” I hear her muffled voice from somewhere inside the house. Hm, I am not sure what’s going on. I walk all the way upstairs and find her in the room, sitting crosslegged in her bed. “Kate, come on, we will be late. Dave and Lucy are already in the car.” 

“NO!” Kate looks at me with defiance on her face, then turns around and puts a pillow over her head.

“Ok, we will be waiting in the car. 5 minutes. Then I will have to call your mom, ok?”

I leave her room and wait 5 minutes with Lucy and Dave. Finally, Kate slowly comes out of the house, dragging herself as slowly as she possibly can. 

“Hurry, please! We need to go,” I urge her one more time. 

To my surprise and astonishment, she comes up to my car, jumps up on the hood, crosses her legs again and screams. “I am not going!!” She crosses her arms on her chest too and glares at me with a side eye. 

I try my hardest to keep my cool. I don’t know how to deal with this right now. What should I do? I can’t reason with her in English. I can’t think quickly enough to convince her to get in the car. I come up to her and gently touch her arm. She screams again, “DO NOT touch me! I am not going!”

I feel lost and helpless. I hate talking on the phone but I have no choice. I go inside and call Julie. I explain the situation to her as best as I can. I know I’ve done nothing wrong and I am not sure what’s wrong with Kate. Julie asks to speak to Kate and she actually obliges and talks to her mother for a few seconds. Then she finally gets in the car and slams the door. She stares through the window and doesn’t answer any more questions asked by me or her siblings. 

We are finally on the way but we are late. That means she will be late for her tutoring session and I will be late for Starbucks. I drive faster than usual but still within the speed limit. I learned that lesson already. No speeding. When we get to the learning center, I rush the kids through the door where Julie is already waiting for us. 

“We made it,” I say. “I have to go.” I wave at them all and I am out of there. Starbucks is right around the corner and I can walk right to it. I actually run to it. I am 15 minutes late but Clark is still waiting. 

“I am so sorry,” I am out of breath, trying to calm down. “Had an issue with the kids.”

His eyes are sympathetic as I explain to him what happened, speaking in my pitifully broken English. I find that being emotional, angry or sad, diminishes my ability to speak my new language. My accent comes out more too. Phew, I need to calm down. 

“Let me order you something, ok? Wait here,” he walks away to the counter and stands in line. A few minutes go by and I am still waiting for him. The door to the store opens and there is……Julie and the kids. Now they are all smiles, the kids and Julie are waving at me. Even Kate. What a huge change from just a few minutes ago. They all walk up to the counter as Clark passes them with my drink and a piece of pastry. He sits next to me and hands me my treats. There is no way to avoid this. Julie sees us together. Her expression transforms from a huge smile to a look full of questions. Then it changes to a look of concern. And then it changes yet again to disapproval and then to anger.  Oh no, I sense trouble. I immediately become uneasy and fidgety. I cannot focus anymore because I am so worried. I can’t talk to Clark anymore. Today is not the day.

The kids and Julie order their treats and leave the store. They have to pass by me and Clark on the way out. Clark nods at them and waves. He mouths “Hi, how are you?” to Julie while I want to disappear. I already know that this is not good. 

As soon as the Starbucks door closes, I stand up from my chair and tell him, “I think I need to go. I need to get home.” 

I can see that Clark understands my discomfort. He doesn’t protest and he doesn’t insist for me to stay. He has been very patient with me today.

“Sure, sure, I understand. We will find another time.” His eyes are worried and his expression is soft. Perhaps he figured out that his presence may cause problems for me. 

“Please, at least let me walk you to the car. It’s dark.” 

He is right. The street has darkened while we were inside. The sun has gone down. My car is parked by the learning center and the parking lot is dark too. It’s time for me to get in the car. Before I do that, I pause by the driver’s side and lean back against the door. Clark steps closer to me. He grabs my hand and looks at me. I hold his stare for a few moments. There are so many unspoken words between us. Neither of us wants to break the silence. He takes a deep breath, wanting to say something but changes his mind. I feel the same. I see the outline of his face and I want to touch it. But I can’t. I can’t do this. I want to give him a hug but I am not going to do that either. I can sense it through his body language that he is facing a very similar internal fight as me.

“Jarka,” he says quietly while his hand is still touching mine……..

“Jarka! Jaaarkaaa!” 

Oh no, wait a minute…..this is not Clark’s voice anymore. It’s…it’s….is it Julie? In short moments, a silhouette approaches us from the darkness and then three smaller figures come up right behind it. Clark jumps away from me, letting go of my hand too. 

If the ground could swallow me, this would be the right time for me to disappear. If I could teleport to Slovakia right now, I would do it in a split second. If I could rewind time to this morning and start over with this day, I would do it!

Julie walks up to me, a look of fury taking over her face, distorting all her features.

“YOU!” She points her finger at me. “YOOOU!” she repeats. 

“Get in the car and follow me home! RIGHT NOW!”