50. Monster or Savior

Sigh, I am at the piano again. I practice daily, which makes Silvia very happy. Me, not so much. It’s as if my father was sitting up on my shoulder, watching me play. He would approve of this, I am sure. I still play church songs for Silvia but I also have to practice serious stuff for my audition with Dr. Jones. I choose a Beethoven sonata and a Chopin Fantasie and Impromptu. I am glad I brought a few of my music books with me from Slovakia. My chosen classical pieces are the ones I am familiar with because I performed them at the Music Conservatory during my last year before graduation. However, they need a serious refresher and tuning up. My fingers need to get back into shape. Professional shape. I have two weeks before Dr. Jones is scheduled to come through our town. I am so nervous. What if I am not good enough? I am not sure what to expect out of this meeting anyway. Perhaps I can attend college in America? I push this thought away. I don’t want to get my hopes up with unrealistic ideas.

Who am I kidding? It’d be a long shot. My English is not good enough to study in the US. My paperwork is a mess. Am I even legally here? I don’t think my au-pair visa is still valid. How would I be able to start school in two months? It’s June and the new semester starts in the middle of August. And finally, I have no money. Even if a miracle happened and I got accepted, how would I ever pay for it? The cost of college for international students is outrageously high. It’s unrealistic for someone like me. I am an out- of-state student and the college tuition is thousands and thousands of dollars per semester. I cannot even comprehend how much money that is. I can’t even imagine what that kind of money looks like. With me making $20 per week, it would take me a thousand years to pay for it.

I am not sure why I am preparing for this “audition” anyway. The whole idea of me going to college is ridiculous and laughable. Silvia doesn’t seem to think so, however. She believes in my abilities and encourages me daily. 

“Jarka, you need to practice. You need to show Dr. Jones what you are capable of. You deserve to be in college. You will be a star!”

To my astonishment, she even excuses me from our daily errands and leaves me home alone, at the piano.

The day has come. Dr. Jones pulls up his car into our driveway. I am so anxious, so nervous. Silvia must be feeling the same way because she is practically dancing around him, showing him her yard, trees, bird houses…..He is impressed by the beauty of this place but finally, he asks to see the piano.

“Jarka, I am so excited to hear you finally play.” He announces as he makes himself comfortable on the couch. Silvia brings him coffee and pastries which he clearly devours eating. I am on pins and needles. Deep down, I feel that this moment is very significant but I push the importance of it away from my thoughts. Not now. Shut up, Jarka, shut up. No thinking. I can’t distract myself by overanalyzing this situation right now. I simply can’t mess up my piano pieces. 

I take a deep breath and start to play. The years of practice, the muscle memory, all my skill and knowledge I had acquired over so many years of torturous practice, the hours and hours of hard work, all the time at the piano that my father forced upon me as a little girl, all the lessons, performances, and competitions…..All of my piano history accumulates and flows out of me at this moment. The music erupts like a volcano and takes me along with it. 

It takes over my fingers. They are flying up and down the keys like their future, my future, depends on it. Because my future DOES depend on it! My music is beautiful, and the piano monster takes a hold of me again. It encompasses me and my entire soul, trying to convince me that my childhood suffering wasn’t in vain. Even if I don’t understand it right now, I am playing for my future. I am playing for my life. I want to stay here. Here, in America. I want a new life, please! I want to run away from my past, from my father, from the piano…..but, oh the irony! The piano is the tool, the only tool to help me achieve this. It forces itself back into my life. Ok fine! Fine! You win! You stay here with me, you monster. You…piano….my savior. 

I play the last note and then I stop. Silence. 

I don’t say anything. Silvia doesn’t say anything. Dr. Jones doesn’t say anything and I am getting more and more uneasy with each passing second. Finally, Dr. Jones jumps off the couch and turns to Silvia. 

“Would it be ok if I talk to Jarka in private? How about we take a walk?”

Silvia is still silent and she agrees by motioning him to the front door. 

I follow him out of the house. The anticipation is oozing out of my pores. I don’t know what to expect. Did he like it? Am I good enough? My heart speeds up its rhythm as we quietly take a few steps forward. 

“Jarka, what do you think about attending college here in America? Have you ever thought about it before?” He looks at me, stopping in his tracks. I stop as well. He crosses his arms on his chest and starts scratching his chin, deep in thought.

“Yes…..I mean, no…..I am not sure.”  I don’t know how to respond. Yes, yes, yes, I want to go to college. But it’s such an impossible dream. I am not sure he understands that I don’t have any money, I don’t know the language, and my visa is probably not valid.

Dr. Jones smiles over my stumbling words.

“You are a very good pianist. I mean…You. Are. A very. Good. Pianist! You are exceptional! Do you understand that?” He puts emphasis on every single word in order to convince me of his opinion. “You are very talented, Jarka.”

“Yes,” I respond humbly, even though my answer doesn’t imply so.

“Let me ask you this again then. Would you like to go to college?” We are still standing outside. I want this so bad. Yes, I do. I am stunned that the possibility is even presenting itself to me.

“Yes, I would love that.” I say but my head is spinning. 

“Let’s sit down and talk more,” Dr. Jones leads me back to the house and we sit on the porch swing. I can see Silvia lurking in the windows. Her predictable personality makes me smile. 

Dr. Jones asks me about my background, my visa situation, and my plans for the future. We have a good conversation that probably lasts an hour. 

“You would be a huge asset to our music program and I will do everything I can to make this happen for you. Sounds like a plan?” He smiles at me. I am overtaken by excitement and hope. 

“Ok!” He gets up and heads into the house. “I need to chat with Silvia a little bit and then I need to head out. My family is waiting for me.” 

I sit on a swing by myself for a few minutes when Dr. Jones returns outside, closely followed by Silvia.

“Jarka, I talked to your friend here, and she will help us out. We will get a list of everything you need to attend college. I will talk to the registrar office next week and will call you once I know more. As far as I am concerned, you are accepted into our music program.”

I feel like I am forgetting to breathe. I am slowly taking in the news. Me, college, America, piano….How is this even possible? I want to laugh and I want to cry. My fate is playing jokes on me. I was ready to throw the piano in the trash and forget about it forever.

Silvia gives me a hug. “Darling, it is God’s will. He gave you a gift, use it. It was meant to be.”

Oh the irony. God put the piano in charge of my life. Piano is the boss. Piano is God. Piano is my Savior.