53. Nanny 24/7

I am packing my bags. Again. I know I am going to work towards a better future for myself but I will miss this place too. I will miss my little guest house, the family, and I will miss Silvia. Mary and Silvia have already had several phone conversations and decided that it would be best if I moved into the nursing home at least 2 or 3 weeks before my first day of school. 

It is the last week of July now and we are leaving for Dahlonega in a few minutes. Silvia will drive me and drop me off. I will have a new home and will live with new people. I should be used to this but I am not. Wherever I go, I am a stranger, starting over. I hope they like me. At this point, the “liking me” part is not guaranteed. There may be another angry American woman that will scream at me. Who knows what kind of trouble I will get into without even trying. I am nervous. I am scared and anxious. I allow myself a few tears that only I can see. Living with Silvia and Tim was the closest thing to a home that I’ve had in this country so far. I felt safe. I felt cared for. I got used to living here and now it’s over. I am on my own. I still have no money and I still have to depend on other people for everything. 

******

“Ok, Jarka, darling, I have to get back on the road.” Silvia says to me as she helps me unpack my suitcase inside my new, large, windowless basement room. We made the quietly solemn drive to Dahlonega and now it’s time for her to drive back. 

“Don’t go,” I whisper because now I really can’t keep my tears from openly flowing. We both got used to each other and now it is over. It’s time for goodbyes. 

“Come here, baby girl,” Silvia gives me a big hug and I fall apart. I am not strong enough to do this on my own anymore. I need my mom or I need Silvia. I need someone to take care of me. I need someone to make sure I am ok. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of being alone in this big world. This big country, this big house. My soul feels empty and numb even though I am pouring my heart out with tears. As the tears leave my eyes and spill out onto my face, I feel hollow inside. “You will be ok, darling. You can do this. You can come back if things don’t work out, ok?”

I nod as I am wiping my tears, not wanting to let go of her. 

“You are smart, you are strong. You will do just fine. I know it. Use your God given gift. Remember that!” 

I finally calm down and she leaves. She quietly closes the door behind her. I throw myself on the bed and sob some more. I am alone and I hate this feeling. It’s a feeling of uncertainty that is haunting me. My instinctual need for survival emerges again. It feels like a big burden on my shoulders. 

I sit on my new bed for several minutes. There is a knock on the door and I jump up, quickly wiping my eyes with the hem of my shirt.

Mary enters the room. She is holding a baby boy in her arms and another boy is standing next to her, holding her free hand. 

“Hi Jarka, I figured you already had a few minutes to rest. I brought you someone. Maybe the boys can stay with you for a little while? This is Aaron,” she lifts her hand, still holding the little boy's hand, “and this is Dylan,” she bounces the baby in her other arm. Aaron is 5, right Aaron? And Dylan is 18 months old. He can walk, you will see.” 

She drops the little boy on the floor, lets go of the older boy’s hand, turns around and leaves the room. As soon as she is gone, Aaron starts crying and screaming, “Grandmaaaaaa, grandmaaaa!” Dylan joins him just because his brother is crying too. I don’t waste any time and run to them to calm them down. 

“Hey, boys,” I say quietly. “Please, don’t cry. We will have some fun, ok? My name is Jarka, can you say Jarka?”

Aaron doesn’t cry anymore but stares at me with his big blue eyes. 

“Why do you talk weird?” He asks in a quiet sweet voice.

“Because I am from very far away. I just learned how to speak English. Can you say my name? Try it! Jar-ka!”

His big blue eyes blink at me several times. “Yaaaaa-ka. Yaaaaa-ka.”

“That’s very good,” I smile at him. 

The boys are shy for a few minutes but once they see I am harmless and they can trust me, they both come out of their shells. They run, jump, and pretty much bounce off the walls. It doesn’t take long and I am forced to forget about Silvia and about my loneliness. I am so busy and preoccupied, I even forget why I am here. My hands are full for the rest of the day, keeping up with the busy boys. I go to bed exhausted, ready to pass out in my bed in minutes.

 I am asleep for hours, it seems. I lose track of time because my windowless room is pitch black dark. I don’t know what time it is in the morning. I am still asleep, when a quiet knock wakes me up. I glance at my watch. It’s 6am. Before I can fully open my eyes, Mary slips the boys into my room and they are jumping on my bed, jumping all over me too. I have no choice, I have to get up. 

Yawn. I am so tired. I haven’t even recovered from yesterday yet. It is another day that I spend with the boys. Besides their afternoon naps, they require my full attention. We play games in my room, we go outside and play at the playground, we jump on the trampoline. We go to the pool. I barely see Mary or any of the old people that live upstairs in this nursing home. There is another life out there, on the top floor of this gigantic house. Their life doesn’t concern me because I am a nanny now. I love the boys and they love me. But I never hear a thank you, I never hear “How are you,” I never hear “Do you need anything,” or “Are you doing ok?” 

Nobody seems to care. I am invisible, nonexistent, only good for my babysitting services. I pause and think of the big picture because I need to lift my mood up. My stay here has a purpose. I am here for school. I am going to study and I know it’s not going to be easy. If it requires my babysitting services every single day, so be it. 

I put up a calendar on my wall and turn it to August, even though it’s still July. I put a big heart around August 18, my first day of school. And then I cross today off. I am going to take it day by day. August 18 is two and a half weeks away but seems like eternity. Two and a half weeks of babyland. Then I can be a college student.

I eventually meet Frankie, Aaron’s and Dylan’s mother. She is a few years older than me, maybe 24 or 25. She is tall, blonde, freckled, and loud. She is a party type that likes to have fun. Frankie is a single mother with a new boyfriend. She lives in another part of town and I get to stay with her every weekend. Frankie is supposed to keep her boys every Saturday and Sunday. Except it’s me who keeps her boys every Saturday and Sunday. Frankie is either working or partying. She is gone most nights while I stay with the boys in her house. The house is owned by her parents, of course. I am exhausted. Even though I love her boys, I am not their mother. Am I?

Frankie tries her best to be nice to me. One day, she empties her closet and gives me all of her clothes that, after her pregnancies, don’t fit her anymore. This works because I am much smaller than her and can use her outgrown clothes. I pick a cute jean dress that looks a little short but I still like it a lot. This will be my first day of school outfit, I decide. Frankie gives me some makeup and toiletries and even a backpack that I can use for school. I am now set to start college. I just wish I wasn’t so tired. Like every new mother, I need sleep. Gah, I am actually not a new mother but surely feel like one. How will I practice the piano and study with all of my childbearing responsibilities? 

It’s August 17, one day before school. Dr. Jones called and left me a message to meet him at his office at 9am. He created a schedule for me and registered me for several classes. I don’t even know what the classes are yet. But I am so excited. And so very nervous. Can I do this? I tell Mary, her husband Aaron Sr, and also Frankie that I must be at school by 9am in the morning. I can’t be late. 

I don’t know what to expect at all. I cross off the last day on my wall calendar, I lay my new dress on the chair by my bed, my shoes, and my bag. I am ready. I am ready to be a college student in America.